First and foremost, I have a confession to make. I have a new love in my life. Maternity jeans. Maternity jeans bend with me. That is reason enough for exuberant joy. I am forced to give a shout out to Kim Braboy for the generosity she has shown in lending these miracle jeans to me. I now know why there were two identical pair in the tub. Enough said.
Last week was wonderful, full of light emotional days where heavy burdens didn’t exist. There were actually days that I forgot what the Dr.’s said. Peter and I liked those days.
Then Andrea called. She is a social worker at Baptist Hospital. She explained her role as a liaison between Hospice, Dr. Collins and the pediatric neonatal Dr. she made an appointment for us to see. She was super sweet working around our schedule to get us in with this particular pediatrician because he has experience as a father as well as a Dr. in this circumstance. I thought it was neat that she cared so much. That gave me warm fuzzies 🙂 When we hung up I cried. I’ve never had such an emotion; it was a mix of relief and sorrow. I felt very taken care of, like God had sent another person to help us along. Just knowing we weren’t alone, and that even before we thought of Haddie, he had prepared this man, this Dr. to help us make important decisions which would lighten our burden was amazing. Honestly though, as thankful as I am, and as much as I want to be prepared for whatever may come, I’m really starting to dread every Dr.’s visit and all the things we have to talk about when we go. It’s not the Dr.’s – they’ve all been so great; it’s just not fun. I like fun things. Light things. Crying helped. Then things lightened up again. And we planned a ball. That’s right, we had a family ball Saturday night and it was a blast. We dressed up in our best, poured fine tea from silver service into china cups, talked in terrible pompous English accents, Waltzed,
listened to the performance of a few up and coming classical musicians and (drumroll)…..
played musical chairs.
The DJ was great….
and Alex finally won.
We pretended and we laughed. It was seriously goofy fun.
It was light.
I love my family for making things light.
Then this week came. Monday I realized the boys have two weeks left, then their gone. I felt the anxiousness building up. All the things we said we’d do and didn’t have time to, all the things we were going to talk about and didn’t – it all started to get to me. And since I’m a planner I begin to divide the remaining time in my head in order to fit it all in, and I suddenly realize it’s just not ever going to happen. There will never be enough time to do it all. I know that is just life, and it will be okay. It just made for a manic Monday full of heavy things. It crossed my mind that I didn’t have much time left to get them the clothes they may need for a funeral. More heavy things.
Because of all these heavy things, I’m learning something great. Nothing is better than knowing God and being known by Him. I wouldn’t trade this time in my life for anything. I truly wouldn’t. God is with me. He is with me, us. I wish somehow I could communicate the greatness of who God is to me right now. But the best I have is – He’s here. Right now, with me, making Himself known to me. Every. Single. Day. I DO NOT wish to be anywhere else than right here, with Him. I know Him. I know God. Truly I can not fathom wanting anything else. There is nothing so good, nothing so great. I’m overwhelmed by His mercy and grace. I’m overwhelmed that He has thought of me, that He has a plan for us, for our family. I’m so undeserving of it all. I’m filthy rags, yet He desires me. He desires you. He, God, wants to know us. Us. How great is our God?
J.I. Packer writes in his book Knowing God,
“There is no peace like the peace of those whose minds are possessed with full assurance that they have known God, and God has known them..”
And Father, I thank You with all that I am for maternity jeans. Amen.